Last year I read a book about breathing.
It had lots to say but there was one big takeaway.
Breathe through your nose.
*
I got really into this book.
According to the author, everything bad for you from sleep apnea to scoliosis, tooth decay to depression, is because of mouth breathing.
Copying him, I taped my mouth closed when I went to bed one night.
That way, even if I was asleep, I’d still breath through my nose.
The tape worked.
But I’d forgotten to drink my usual last glass of water first.
I woke up desert-level parched the next morning.
I didn’t tape my mouth shut again after that.
I was still really into nose breathing, though.
I told friends and family all about it.
*
My friend Rob was one of the people I told.
He got the breathing book for Christmas.
He read it over New Year’s.
Then he texted me.
He’d tried nose breathing on his daily jog!
“Let’s just say it was ‘intense,’” he said.
*
Rob’s message intrigued me.
Did he mean bad intense or good intense?
Excruciating or exhilarating?
Breakdown?
Breakthrough?
Both?
I don’t jog, as a rule.
But c’mon.
I’d taped my mouth shut to go to sleep.
I had to try this, too.
*
The next day, I found decades-old running pants and a zippered fleece.
I slipped on tube socks and laced up an ancient pair of New Balances.
I opened the front door, jogged outside, and up the incline of my hilly block.
The first four, five seconds were really easy.
Then it felt like I’d been stuffed in an airless bag, beaten by clubs, and lit on fire.
*
My run had only one rule.
Breathe through your nose.
To obey, I clamped my lips together.
I tucked them inside my mouth.
I bit down with my teeth.
I quick-snorted in and out, barely moving, about to faint.
I had ten seconds to figure out a fix, I estimated.
Otherwise I’d die.
Worse: I might open my mouth.
*
Jogging tai-chi slowly helped.
It preserved just enough oxygen to help me realize my problem.
I was inhaling and exhaling so hard, and in such rapid succession.
My right nostril flap had stuck shut.
*
Stubbornness met pure survival instinct.
Mouth closed, I raised my right hand.
I forced the stuck nostril flap open with my thumb.
The air I needed rushed in.
*
I kept my thumb there.
Not only was my right nostril no longer stuck.
The forced-open flap let me inhale and exhale much more easily than my normal non-stuck left nostril!
The next step was obvious.
I raised my other hand.
With my left thumb copying my right, I forced both nostrils as wide as possible.
*
I jogged uphill like this for 15 minutes.
Elbows up, hands back, both thumbs glued to the side of my nostrils.
Hokey-pokey pig nose.
The greatest feeling in the world.
*
The uphill jog covered maybe a mile.
I reached a relatively flat street.
That felt like a good turnaround point.
The downhill was easier.
I dropped one hand and then the other.
Halfway home, I saw two construction workers ahead of me.
They sat on folding chairs outside a job site, eating their lunch.
*
I pictured smiling and waving to the construction workers as I passed.
I imagined giving the bro nod.
It was easy to predict their subsequent conversation:
“Wow. See that jogger?”
“Yeah. His mouth isn’t even open.”
“Fucking stud.”
*
I reached the construction worker’s line of sight.
At this exact moment, however, one of my nostrils stuck shut again.
My chest constricted.
Bag.
Clubs.
Fire.
*
Mayday!
I grabbed both nostrils like a plummeting fighter pilot seizing the control stick.
Up! Up!
*
I’m lucky I lived to tell this story.
My breathing righted just in time to stop the total bodily collapse that might have sent me tumbling face first downhill.
The construction workers were behind me now, though.
It was too late to wave.
I kept my thumbs up the rest of the jog home.
Better safe than sorry.
*
Soon after, I texted Rob and told him what happened.
It turned out I’d misunderstood him.
He’d only inhaled through his nose.
He’d exhaled through his mouth.
I guess that way your nostril flaps aren’t as likely to get stuck shut.
*
I’m still glad I learned the hokey-pokey pig nose trick.
Who knows?
It might be even better for me than normal nose breathing.
The best part is, if I want to try it again, I always have my thumbs with me.
It’s nice to have a new way of healthy breathing that doesn’t require any tape.
I thought I could do a quick catch up on email while in a Zoom. I started reading this and quickly started laughing so hard that I had to dive to turn my camera off so that I wouldn't insult the speaker. Luckily my mic was not on or everyone would have heard me snort laugh in the middle of the talk!
Thank you, I needed this! Breathing gymnastics are much needed these days whether jogging or navigating life. Shout out to Crissie, your stubbornness hots the chocolate. Ps. Jackson/Alvina, so variable :)