Choose Your Own COVID-Era Minor iPhone Mishap Adventure
The other day you take your phone out of your pocket.
Your wife Crissie is with you.
You’re in the car together, running errands.
“Your flashlight is on,” she says.
You fumble to turn it off.
Do you:
Swipe down to get to that control center thingy to appear?
Go to page 3.
There’s a flashlight button on the lock screen, stupid.
Go to page 40.
Page 3
You swipe down to get that control center thingy to appear.
Your swipe doesn’t work, though.
You’re wearing a mask.
The phone doesn’t recognize your face.
“Enter passcode,” it says.
Do you:
Type in your passcode?
Go to page 8.
There’s a flashlight button on the lock screen, stupid.
Go to page 40.
Page 8
You type in your passcode.
Halfway through, you hit the same number twice by accident.
Shit.
Do you:
Stab numbers at random until it makes you try again?
Go to page 11.
There’s a flashlight button on the lock screen, stupid.
Go to page 40.
Page 11
You stab numbers at random until it makes you try again.
You’re too aggressive, though.
You keep pressing “wrong” numbers even after the “Enter Passcode” screen starts over.
You get it wrong two more times.
Soon the phone will lock you out completely.
Do you:
Delete your way back to the beginning of the passcode entry?
Go to page 20.
There’s a flashlight button on the lock screen, stupid.
Go to page 40.
Page 20
You delete your way back to the beginning of the passcode entry.
You realize you’re stressed.
What a crazy day.
What a crazy year.
You put your phone down.
You flip it over.
The flashlight shines in your eyes.
You flip it back.
You take a deep breath.
Do you:
Focus and force yourself to type the correct passcode?
Go to page 28.
There’s a flashlight button on the lock screen, stupid.
Go to page 40.
Page 28
You focus and force yourself to type the correct passcode, one number at a time.
You’re in!
You go to Settings.
You look for Flashlight.
It’s not in “Display & Brightness.”
It’s not in “Phone.”
It is in “Control Center,” but only as an “included control” you can add or remove, not turn on or off.
By this point, you’ve hit so many buttons Crissie thinks you’re texting someone or checking email.
“Your flashlight is still on,” she says.
“I know,” you say.
Do you:
Try to cover the light with one hand and mash the physical buttons on both sides of the phone with the other?
Go to page 35.
There’s a flashlight button on the lock screen, stupid.
Go to page 40.
Page 35
You try to cover the flashlight light with one hand.
With the other hand, you mash the physical buttons on the right and left side of the phone.
You take a bunch of accidental screenshots and have to cancel four calls to 911.
“I can’t figure out how to get the flashlight off,” you admit at last.
“Isn’t there a button?” Crissie says.
“I tried all the buttons,” you say.
“I think it’s on the lock screen,” says Crissie. “Like where the camera is?”
You look down.
“Oh.”
Go to page 40.
Page 40
There’s a flashlight button on the lock screen, stupid.
You hit the button.
The flashlight turns off.
Now the car is dark and quiet.
“Let’s play a podcast or some music,” Crissie suggests.
She turns to you, smiling sweetly.
“Can you set it up with your phone?”