Privilege
I played a video game the other day.
It was one of those video games where you fight a bunch of people.
*
At first I was really bad.
I kept dying.
After an hour, I went into the game settings.
I found and selected a special “God Mode” that made everything easier.
*
Now when I hit someone it hurt them more.
When they hit me it hurt less.
I moved faster.
I recovered more rapidly.
I got a whole extra life so I didn’t lose any fights until I died twice.
*
The game was still hard for me.
I kept dying, even with all my advantages.
God Mode compensated.
Every time I died, it made me a little stronger.
It made me even faster.
I got new and more powerful weapons.
Each of my two lives lasted longer.
*
I started beating the game.
I advanced screen to screen, to the end of the first level.
There was a demon ghost spirit lady character there I had to fight.
She was much better than I was.
She beat me.
I died again.
*
I went through whole first level again.
I got beaten by the demon ghost spirit lady character again.
This happened three more times.
Each time, I lasted a little longer.
Maybe ten percent of that was me getting better at the game.
Ninety percent was God Mode making me better.
*
I played the game for five hours.
Finally, I beat the demon ghost spirit lady character.
She’d taunted me every time we fought.
She couldn’t seem to believe it when I finally defeated her.
“How?” she howled.
Then she disappeared.
*
I was pretty satisfied with myself for the next hour.
I’d beaten the all-powerful demon ghost spirit lady character.
I’d gotten to level 2.
Not bad, dude!
It was time for bed.
*
I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
Halfway through, a pang hit me.
God Mode gave me all this extra stuff.
It gave me two lives instead of one.
It made both lives extra long.
Nevertheless the demon ghost spirit lady killed me.
She won and I lost.
And I still got to keep playing.
Until I won and she lost.
*
I stopped brushing my teeth.
I stared in the bathroom mirror.
I cheated, I realized.
I’d thought the video game was about pretending to be a fighter.
Really it was about getting all this help, all the time.
And then being able to pretend I did it all myself.